Wednesday, April 21, 2010

No More Lies

If you see me cry,
I'm just trying to apologize,
For every single time I told you a lie.

When you asked if I was ok,
And I said yes with a smile on my face,
I said everything was fine,
I lied.

You said I looked upset,
Asked if I was angry,
And I said I was happy,
It was a lie.

Deep down you knew
That I was lying to you.
But please know I only did it in a vain attempt to protect my heart.

I was angry with you,
And I was not ok,
Not because you lied or treated me badly,
But because you made me fall
And want to give you my all
From the very start.

And when I said I didn't care,
That I was happy with you as only my friend,
That you weren't the only one I was seeing,
With every fiber of my being,
I lied.

As I sit here writing and reminiscing our "fling"
Maxwell's playing in the background, singing about pretty wings.
And I can't help but feel this is the end,
That you and I will never be anything more than friends.

But I'm not mad anymore,
You reminded me of the fun life can have in store.
You helped me open up again
And finally let someone in.

There are no more tears,
No more sad thoughts
There are smiles
And fond memories,
And silent thank yous for all you've done for me.

So it's time for you and I to spread our pretty wings
And fulfill our own destinies.
Because I can't look at you and pretend I don't have feelings...
All I ask is that you smile when you think of me.

And I promise I won't tell you another lie,
Which is why it's time for me to say good bye.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Something There

Deep down she knows there's something there.
But that he's just scared.
She knows it could be something real,
But he pulled away when he started to feel.

She's not going to beg,
Or ask him to care
Or force him to admit there's something more there.

But she silently prays
That he'll wake up one day
And open his heart
Like she had from the very start.

The hardest part
Is that she was ready from the start.
She's not going to change,
She'll always be the same.

She's someone he could trust
And not loosing her is a must.

But she won't beg
Or ask him to care,
Or force him to admit there's something there.

He pushed her away when he started to feel
When he realized it all felt too real.
Said she was the one to blame,
That he didn't feel the same.

But deep down she knows he was just scared
Because there was something more there.
That he was scared
To open up again
To let someone new in,
To admit that he actually cared.

But she won't beg
Or ask him to care
Or force him to admit there's something more there.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I toss and turn all night filled with fear.
It's become so hard for me to sleep without having you near.
As soon as I feel you close to me,
I breathe a sigh of relief
And sleep comes to me.

All I ever wanted was for you to want me.
But I know that it's just not meant to be.
And now I can't put into words what I feel,
I can't tell what's fake and what's real.

You are sitting no more than two feet away,
And I'm silently praying you ask me to stay.
But I feel alone,
And feel the distance between us has grown.

What hurts even more,
Is that I know deep down in my soul,
That I could make you happy.
That I could be exactly who you are looking for.

I've changed to try and make you happy,
I've lied to you and I've lied to myself.
This isn't who I am,
It's not who I am meant to be.

All I want is for you to open your eyes
See past the lies,
And really look at me.
See that I'd do anything to make you happy.

I know it's not what you want,
So I'm going to take a few more steps back,
Get myself back on track.

I was angry that night,
But only for making me want you.
I didn't want to argue or fight,
So I said I was fine,
When deep down all I wanted to say was I wish you were mine.

I'm not ready to say goodbye,
But I don't know how much longer I will be able to survive.
I can't put how you make me feel into words,
Just know that I could be your girl,
And that if you let me, I'd give you my world.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Friend Zone

I am the mayor of the friend zone. No, scratch that. I am the President, wait...the QUEEN of the Friend Zone. I have been a resident for most of my life and all of my adult life. Always the friend, never anything more.

I've always been a sporty person, and it used to be a pain. I hated it growing up because I wasn't as girly as everyone else. I would much rather go play outside or play a sport than sit inside and play dress up or dolls with the girls. I was teased for wearing basketball shorts and shirts instead of skirts and dresses. All through high school it was a lot of the same, but it got better. I started to feel comfortable in my own skin...I talked to guys, but was never "that girl." But as stubborn as I am, I couldn't bring myself to change for anyone else, so I stayed true to myself.

Once I got to college I started to appreciate my sporty side more. Most of the guys I met loved that I knew about sports. A lot of them were surprised I knew as much as I did. They would have to double check stats I threw out at them because they didn't believe me and were left with looks of amazement on their faces when they saw I was right. They told me they loved that we could sit and watch a game. I was always known as "one of the guys" and I was perfectly content with was great. I had a great group of friends and life was good, until I fell for one.

I had already gone so deep into the friend zone, that I had no chance of getting out. It has happened to me over and over again. I have tried being that cool girl. The one who's not needy, who his friends like to hang out, but I always end up in the friend zone and stay there. Fortunately, I have made some great friends in the process. I had to go through the pain and heartache first, but ended up with some lasting friendships after.

There are some definite pros and cons to being in the friend zone...and for better or for worse, it has become my home.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Confession #10

I'm a soldier of Love.

Despite the heartbreak and pain...even after I thought I had completely given up on men and love, I'm still here. I'm still fighting to find love, to feel love and to give love.

There have been times where all I wanted to do was give up. Where I lost all faith in love. But like they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

"I am love's soldier
I wait for the sound
I know that love will come
I know that love will come
Turn it all around"
-Sade, Soldier of Love

Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's Time To...

It's time to make a change,
Time for this life to get rearranged.
I've been standing still for far too long,
Been making excuses about where I belong.

It's time to run,
Time to find my place in the sun.
It's time to move,
Time to get in the groove.

I'm doing this for me,
It's time for me to become the woman I'm meant to be.
I'm gonna shine,
It's my time.

It's time to move.
I've got everything to lose,
But it's time to reach just a little bit further,
Time to take a chance,
And hope it all works out,
Because that's what life is all about.

It's time to make a change,
Time for this life to get rearranged.
Time to move forward
And stop being a coward.

I might not get it right,
I might fail,
But I'm going to keep up the fight,
And follow this trail.

This is my time.
It's time to move.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Confession #8 and #9

I've had my heart broken so many times, I've stopped keeping track.

I've yet to find that real love, and a real legitimate love connection with someone. Either I get in my own way, the timing is all wrong, they are unavailable, or we are just not right for each other (just to name a few reasons).

I've been let down by so many. I've been led on. I've been taken for granted. I have been used. I have been embarrassed. I've felt an incredible connection to someone, just to have them toss me to the side like an old rag.

It used to bring me down, but you can't sit and cry over something you can't change. You can't live a life of regrets, so now I just take them as lessons learned. I try to learn from each one in hopes that I will eventually get it right.

Confession #9: Despite the heartbreak, I believe with every fiber of my being, that there is someone out there for me. I just haven't met him yet.

Every step I have taken, every mistake I've made is taking me closer to him. With each step I take, with each breath I take, we are being brought closer to each other. Each heartbreak is preparing me, testing me so that I will know the real thing when I see it. I have no idea when we will finally meet, or how, but I will never lose my faith in love or in the fact that I do deserve to feel it.

There are so many songs that remind me of this every time I hear them...just to name a few,

"Love Song for No One" - John Mayer
It's hard to pick a favorite line, but if I had to choose:

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song to no one

Another one of my favorites is Janet Jackson's "Someone to Call My Lover"
Favorite line:

Friends say I'm crazy cause
Easily I fall in love
You gotta do it different (J)
This time

Maybe we'll meet at a bar
He'll drive a funky car
Maybe we'll meet at a club
And fall so deeply in love
He'll tell me I'm the one
And we'll have so much fun
I'll be the girl of his dreams maybe

I absolutely love both of those songs, but as of right now, Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" is my song

I'm not even going to write my favorite line, because I love the whole's just so me, here are all the lyrics, followed by the official video =)

What it all comes down to is faith in love. Despite the tears and the heartbreak, I believe in love and that there is someone out there for me.