Smile

When you think of me
I hope you smile.
I hope you remember how I made you feel.
I hope you laugh at every memory.
And I hope you remember how you and I used to be.

You’re going to wish you had me in your life.
You’re going to want me back.
You won’t get me back this time.
No, this time
I moved on
And there’s no turning back.

You will think of me
And when you do
I hope you smile.

You will always have a place in my heart
But you are a part of my past
And that’s where you belong
Because I finally moved on

I was mad
I was sad
Then I was just tired.
Tired of everything bad
Tired of the pain

When I think of you
I smile.
I smile and laugh at the memories
And smile knowing that your chapter in my life
Is finally over

When you think of me
I hope you smile.

Longing

The way a flower longs to feel the gentle caress of the sun
The way an athlete longs to run
The way the stars long for night
The way the cold of darkness longs for light
The way Juliet longed for her Romeo

That’s the way I long for you.
The man of my dreams,
A man I have never met nor seen
But the man who I know is out there.

The way dreams search and long for night
That’s the way I long to find you…

Can You Feel It?

Whether you are an Obama supporter or not, you cannot deny the electricity in the air. I woke up today with a sudden surge of energy and anticipation.

I am fully aware that this "change" that has been spoken about will not happen overnight. It's going to take time and work on our part, as well as our new president and government. But the very prospect of change causes my heart to beat faster.

We have such an amazing opportunity in front of us. We have the ability to really move forward and make change happen. We are standing in the middle of history. For someone who is a part of my generation, this is the kind of thing we heard stories about, the things we read about in history books. Well today we are a part of it. I don't know about you, but that fills my heart with a sense of optimism that has been missing for quite sometime.

I'm not expecting some miracle. I am not expecting that as soon as Obama is sworn in, the skies will open and everything will magically be better. Anyone who thinks that way is seriously diluted. But he does inspire change, he inspires us to do more, or at least want to do more, to be more involved.

It is going to take time, but I can't help but feel excited and hopeful for the future.

Only a Little

I knew this day would come.
The day you’d tell me you met someone.
You’ve been my secret crush
I liked you so much

But when you said those words,
I’ve met someone new.
It hurt me,
But only a little.

You told me all about her.
Said you had just seen her.
She seems good for you,
And you seem to really like her too.

When you said those words,
It hurt me,
But only a little.

Realization finally hit me.
You and I will never be.
I thought that truth would be unbearable,
But it is understandable.

We have a great distance between us
A distance that will not get any smaller
The happiness in your voice
The obvious smile on your face

You are happy.
That’s what’s most important to me.
That makes me happy.

When you said those words,
It hurt me,
But only a little.

Back to Basics

I went to mass today. The first time in quite a while. I had lost my desire to even go to church, I felt like I had lost my faith in it. I still prayed, and I still tried to live my life according to all the teachings I have learned throughout my life. But I never felt that going to church for one hour, once a week made me any better of a person. I still do feel the same way. We have adulterers, criminals and just bad people who think they can go to church on Sunday, sit through an hour of mass and they're automatically forgiven.

I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a God. There is a higher power. I had just lost my way, not caring to go to mass. Part of not wanting to go to church, was that it brought back bad memories for me. I would spend countless Sundays praying to God, asking Him to watch over someone very special to me. I was brought to tears nearly every Sunday. I needed some time away from that feeling.

Sitting in mass today, I got that familiar feeling. The warmth that I used to feel when I would be in mass. It felt good. It was good to be back. I still prayed for that person although he's not really a part of my life anymore, I still pray that God watches over him and keeps him safe and helps him find whatever it is he is looking for.

I doubt I will be at mass every Sunday, but I don't feel as hesitant about going. It really did feel good today. There were no tears, just that warm feeling like everything was going to be alright and things are going to be better.

Disney rant

Ok, so let me start by saying I am a Disney kid. I grew up watching Disney movies, reading Disney books. One of my favorite places is Disneyland, and I love Disneyworld too.

But, with age, I have noticed some patterns in all the classic Disney movies, the ones I fell in love with as a young girl. Maybe I'm pulling the Bitter Betty card, but being a young single female who has been hurt by more than one boy (I'm not going to even call them men), I got to thinking about all those Disney princesses.

We are all looking for our happily ever after...whatever that may entail is different for everyone, but if you look at pretty much every Disney princess, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, the Little Mermaid, Belle, Jasmine, even Mulan, how did each of those movies end? What was their fairy tale ending?

They found a man!!

They didn't become successful, independent women (and yes I realize they are cartoons and they are all set in different times) but they found their prince and that was the end of their story. Now I have to admit, I always liked Mulan because she seemed to be the independent woman, just trying to help her family...she wasn't looking for love, but it found her. She was the opposite of the damsel in distress. I always liked that.

Again, let me repeat, I love Disney movies, but being older, I can watch them and take them for what they are, entertainment. But what about the young girls who watch them, the girl I once was? They watch and see these women who's dreams are finally fulfilled when they find a man to love them! I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But what kind of message are we sending to our young girls? We're telling them that they won't be truly happy and have their fairy tale ending, their happily ever after unless they have a man??

Lord knows I want to find that man who respects me and loves me and someone I can love and respect in return. But I know that I don't need a man to make me happy.

Maybe this is just my bitter rant because I haven't met my "prince charming." I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to find him one day, but my story will definately not end once I find him(if I find him). I want to be my own woman, make a name for myself, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to share that with someone. I just refuse to let that someone be all I strive to acheive in life.

Ahhh...my feminist side has shown itself...I'm not a man-hater, trust me. Maybe it's just the fact that I have yet to meet the man who has made me want to live my life for him. I am very doubtful he even exists, but who knows...maybe there are some good ones left out there who are worth my time...only time will tell.

My Therapy

Sitting through the hours at work
I find myself counting down the minutes
Rushing to get home to you
To feel the keys of the laptop under my fingers
To feel the pen in the palm of my hand

I am rushing home to the ideas flowing through my head
Anxious to put them down on paper
You are my new obsession
The one thing that helps heal the current hole
In my soul

I haven’t felt a love like this for years
This profound feeling almost brings me to tears
When did this become my life?
The flow of the words
Brings me my needed therapy
It heals me.

I’m rushing home to you
To feel the keys under my fingers
To feel the pen in my palm

You are the one thing that helps heal the hole
In my soul.

Every Time the Phone Rings

How can this be happening?
I convinced myself you were just a friend
That we could and would never be more.

My heart skips a beat when I hear the phone ring.
I hope it’s you on the other end.
I think I want you more now than ever before.

The sound of your voice is like velvet.
I don’t know how much sweeter it can get.
A smile spreads across my face
And I find myself in a much happier place.

It’s an impossible love
You have never seen me in that way
And I continue to fight these feelings
But all I want is to tell you to stay.

Be with me
Love me.
Be everything I have ever hoped for,
And more.

Even hours after you spoke your last words to me
I feel like I can barely breathe.

I could be your lover
I could be perfect for you
I could be your shoulder
And you could be those things for me too.

You’re constantly on my mind.
How can I feel this way for someone who is so far away?
You’re always so kind,
Making me feel okay.

No, better than ok.

When I talk to you,
I’m on cloud nine
Feeling better than fine.

Because of you I feel like I can do anything.
So I hope and wish it’s you calling every time I hear the phone ring.

Small Town Mentality

I grew up in a small town outside of San Francisco. I'd always loved observing the small town mentality. It seems like everyone knows everyone else and all their business. Gossip was always within earshot. With a small population, it's hard not too know what other people are up to. With only one high school and one middle school in the town, it's pretty easy to keep tabs on everyone.

I absolutely hated the small town atmosphere when I was in high school. There was never anything to do. Friday nights consisted of a basketball or football game, then everyone went to hang out at the local diner because it was the only thing open past 10pm. At the time, it was tolerable, but it got old rather quickly. A small, quiet town was ideal for all the adults, but most kids never understood the appeal.

I went away for four years for college. I lived in a much larger city, but nothing too big. I had been scared I wouldn't be able to handle that adjustment. I loved it. There was always something new to do, something new to try. Well once I graduated, I had no real plans, so I packed up my things and moved back home.

Being a few years older, and a bit more mature, I came to appreciate the small town atmosphere. There are nights when I obviously want to go out, but for the most part, it wasn't so bad here. We have a few bars downtown, none I had ever been interested in going to because they seemed to be mostly occupied by older white men, but I had always wondered about them.

Well I finally had my first experience in one of them. I thought I was missing something, but I was wrong. It was like a high school reunion. All the people who never really left high school. I went to one of the most white trashiest (excuse me, I do not mean to offend anyone, but if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck...) The bar reeked of cigarette smoke as did most of the people in it. Nothing out of the ordinary for a bar, but what I saw was something so ridiculous I couldn't help but feel embarrassed. A couple of friends and I witnessed a guy who had long hair, apparently it had been growing for about 17 years, get his hair cut right there in the hallway by the bar. I couldn't believe it, but it was the talk of the night. Everyone was watching and cheering, taking pictures. That was the point when I was ready to go. Who does that?

I know anyone reading this probably thinks that I am some kind of snob, but truthfully, I'm not. It's just that to me, it's sad that watching someone get his hair cut at a bar is considered entertainment. That was probably the highlight for most of their weeks. But, looking back on it, I suppose that's the small town mentality. I'm sure all of them have been friends for years, and it was kind of a big deal to them. I'll probably never fully understand it, but to each his own.

Sorry for the rant, it's just the image of this man sitting outside a bar getting his hair cut is so silly I can't get over it. Hey, at least it wasn't actually inside the bar.

Apologies

It has come to my attention that my blog has started out with a very dark tone.
I am normally a very optimistic and happy person, but have been in a somewhat dark place recently. So my apologies to anyone who thinks I'm ready to jump off a cliff or something. I'm only writing what I feel at the moment and unfortunately I'm working through some stuff right now.

I am currently working on a couple of short stories and some other poems (that won't make you want to slit your own wrists and question my mental health) I'll probably be posting some of them, but not everything. I'm really trying to work on my skills as a writer. It has been a long time since I've just sat down and written whatever comes to my mind. I always give 100% and want to offer good material to read.

I was missing something in my life, and I think this is part of what it is. An outlet for me to express myself and use my creative side. I've been looking for some inspiration to write a really really good story. Something that not only I would enjoy reading, but other people as well. Nothing has come yet, and I think it's because I am looking too hard. It will come when it's meant to.

I'm a very firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. If it's meant to happen it will. That rings true in every part of my life. I believe with every fiber of my being, that there is a higher power and we are all here for a reason. I'm just trying to figure out what mine is...

Never Think

I try with all my strength
To stop thinking about you and the pain
I want all the thoughts to disappear
The memories of your voice
Of the feel of your arms around me
I want them all to go away
I never want to think of them again

The soft whisper of your voice against my ear
The sweetness of your kisses
The way you would wipe away the tears
And rid me of all my fears
The soft gaze of your eyes
I want them all to go away
I never want to think of them again

You were no good for me
It’s easy to see
But it’s hard to finally let you go
To finally be able to say no

I want all the memories to go away
I never want to think of them again.

I don’t know where to start.
I know you’ll always have a place in my heart
But I’m going to lock those memories away
And that’s where they are going to stay
Until I’m strong enough to think of them
Without the pain.
So until then,

I want all the memories to go away,
I never want to think of them again…

Just one of those days

It's just one of those days. I have no desire to get up and do anything. I just want to sleep the day away. For the umpteenth time, you are gone. Instead of being awake and thinking about this aching feeling in my heart, I'd rather just sleep and escape into a dream world where you don't exist, where you can't continue to make me feel this way.

I hope and pray that when I wake up the feeling won't be here anymore, that you'll be gone and I'll finally be able to let you go...

It's been coming for so long, but something always pulled me back. Hope? Fear? I honestly don't know what it was that kept me coming back, but no more. The time has come for me to move on and not look back. You're not going to have this hold on me anymore.

For me to be happy, means you will no longer be a part of my present or future. You're a part of my past and that is where you will stay. I'll never forget you and will always look on the good times with a smile, but I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.

Lost

I have this indescribable feeling running through my body.
There’s a burning in my chest,
And an ache in the pit of my stomach.
The loneliness has finally caught up with me.

I put on the happy face,
Try to picture myself in a happier place.
But this feeling keeps eating away at my soul
I feel like there’s no where to go.

I’m struggling in the dark
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m suffocating, blind, looking for a way out.
But I will keep smiling, keep looking for the light.

I have too much to be thankful for,
So much life to experience.
Yet there’s something missing.
I thought it was you,
I thought I was missing someone,

But I’ve seen a glimmer of light,
What I’m missing is me.

I have lost who I am
I need to find my own happiness
Only then will I find true bliss.

I know I have a long journey ahead,
But I’m on my way.
I’m not going to lose my head
I am going to find myself again.

A Brand New Day

I was inspired to start my own blog by this intense feeling that it was the perfect thing to do at this point in time. The fact that words flow so much easier sometimes with the stroke of a pen or by striking the keys on a keyboard was an idea that rings very true in my life. For as long as I can remember I’ve always been able to write my feelings much easier than I was able to verbalize them. As I have grown up and learned and experienced life, I have learned to verbalize my thoughts and emotions much more eloquently, but there is some sort of comfort and therapy involved in writing everything down.

So the beginning of a new day and a new year comes with a new way for me to express myself. This blog will feature my own personal thoughts as well as some poetry and short stories. A lifetime goal of mine has been to be published. I figured this was as good a start as any.

2008 was not my best year. Fresh out of college, I felt lost. Part of my year was spent searching for my next step, and still doing a little bit of soul searching. Go back to school? Find a job? Travel? I was lost, and by spring I found a job and have since started to slowly realize that I am on the right path, but not even close to my final destination. I still have every intention to go back to school. I will not be at this job forever, but it has opened my eyes and shown me a lot of things I otherwise never would have seen.

I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. They have never really been my thing. The times I made them I never kept them, and the other years I never really bothered to make any. I am not making any this year, but I have decided that I’m tired of sitting back and waiting for life to happen. It is time to make it happen for myself. Yes, at the age of 23, you would have thought I would have realized this already, but hey, some of us take a little while longer than others.

I’ve realized that most of the things I didn’t like about 2008 are things I could have easily changed myself. All those restless, lonely nights where I felt more alone than you might imagine, could have been solved with a simple phone call, but that stubborn side of me waited for the phone to ring instead of picking it up myself.

I’m ready for 2009 and all it has to offer.

Quote to think about:
“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”
-Lao Tsu