People Watching

I have always loved to people watch.

No, I'm not some kind of peeping Tom or stalker. People have just always interested me. I've always wondered why we do and say certain things, why we act the way that we do.

Well today I was sitting in mass, and (Lord forgive me) I was bored, so I started to look around. It's amazing the different kinds of people you can see in church on any given Sunday. There are people of all ages, families, couples, people there alone, the "regulars" and the ones with a guilty conscience who are there asking for forgiveness. Today I happened to notice the women in church.

Now, when I go to church, I don't put on my "Sunday best." I normally go in jeans and a shirt. I have moved up from sneakers to cute flats or maybe even some cute boots, but I usually opt for comfortable and casual as opposed to the dress or skirt and heels. Today as I was looking around and I saw so many parishioners dressed so nicely, I started to wonder if I should dress up more.

Then it hit me...Just like all the different kinds of people who are there in church every Sunday, God loves us no matter what we look like. So is dressing up in a dress and heels going to make Him love me anymore? I highly doubt it. I mean no disrespect to the people who do dress in their "Sunday best." I actually admire them, they obviously take the time every morning to really get ready and put a lot of thought into their wardrobe.

For me, that time is normally spent doing something more productive, like reading or writing, or just enjoying the beautiful day God has blessed me with. I know this is a completely random thought, but I've been thinking about it pretty much all day.

When it all comes down to it, I will always keep the same belief in my heart...as long as I am leading my life in a positive and healthy way and have good intentions and love in my heart, God will love me no matter what I happen to be wearing, and when I make a mistake and lose my way, He will be there to forgive me and love me.

Random Thought

As the one year mark at my current job approaches, I have been thinking more and more about life and how fast it can go by. There's the old saying, that known cliche, "Time flies when you're having fun," but what about when you're not exactly "having fun?"

What about those of us who are still searching, just kind of drifting through life, hoping to find whatever it is we're looking for. Life still goes by just as fast, if not faster. When there is no specific destination in sight, the world seems to fly by quicker than I'd like. Plans to take an exam and apply to grad school, or a credential program, all the plans for the future seem to get lost.

Life is too short...what do you do when you want to move forward and move into your future, but you don't know which direction is forward? A single mistake can send you back or onto the wrong path. A single decision can make you feel as though you haven't spent the last few years trying to plan a future, just trying to form some kind of plan.

I never feared the future until recently. Everyone around me seems to be getting engaged, settling down, having kids, moving forward...and I feel stuck in the same place. It's like I'm stuck in some kind of cement and I can't break free. As hard as I fight, it only seems to get stronger and I feel weaker...I'm not a dependent person, but there are times where I just want someone to lean on. Someone to share this burden with. I need someone to slow down the hands of time for me. Someone to help me find that path I should be on...

Two years have gone by since I entered the "real world." I feel like I have grown as a person, but I still have so much more growing to do. I guess it's time to pick up the pace, time to keep up with this fast pace life that seems to surround me. I don't want to be the granny in the slow lane being passed by everyone and left behind all alone.

Random Lines of Poetry

~Unfinished works~

I'm a hopeless romantic.
A good love story makes my heart frantic.
I blush at the sight of a beautiful bouquet.
What more can I say?

I hear amazing story after story.
And quietly wonder, what about me?
Where is my happy ending?
Where is my prince charming...

Love is the only reason to live,
And I have all this love to give.
All it takes is a deep knowing glance,
To start a storybook romance.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm scared to fail.
I'm afraid to give it my all.
Because I don't know how hard I may fall.

Everytime I put my all in,
I never seem to win.
I don't want to lose.
I don't know which path to choose.

Give it my all
And possibly fall,
Or play it safe
And plan my escape.

I don't want to let you down.
I want to be worthy of this invisible crown.

Friends

I just finished reading a book, "Frenemies," by Megan Crane. I had never heard of the author before, but happened to find the book in the bargain section at a Barnes & Noble not too long ago. I read the book in about 2 and a half days. I probably could have read it much faster if it weren't for that annoying responsibility called work.

The book was funny and insightful. I truly enjoyed reading it. I could relate to the main character Gus. She was approaching 30 and still in need of some serious maturing. At the younger age of 24, I have that same feeling. The need to grow up and move on from all the petty and useless "high school" drama. At the same time, 24 is not the age to turn into some old maid. I am still young and am still looking to have fun and experience life.

In the book, she talks about the different people and friends in her life and it got me to thinking about mine. I have been truly blessed with some of the most amazing people. Friends have come and gone, but at the end of the day, the ones who matter, the ones who want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine are still there. I know that I can call and we can pick up where we left off. We can talk for hours about everything and anything.

There are the friends who have been around for years. There are the friends who are more recent, but just as important to me and my sanity. Then there are the "friends." The people who I consider friends, but who are more like acquaintances. A lot of the people who land in this category are high school friends. The ones who when we see each other we are happy and excited for the pseudo-reunion, but at the end of the night they are already a distant memory. There's no immediate rush to see them again. That's not to say that there aren't old friends who do spark that old flame, the ones who I do want to see again and get to know all over again. Those are the long lost friends. They took a small hiatus, but comforably can fall back into my world again.

There are so many different kinds of friends and even the "frenemies." Those are the people who are all hugs and kisses to your face, but you know that as soon as your back is turned they couldn't care less about you. It's a friendship of convenience. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Because I can't think of a single person who hasn't been that "friend" to someone else. There are just those people who are still in our lives, even when we don't know the exact reason. So we call them friends, but never lose sight of who our true friends are.

Our true friends are the friends that are there day in and day out, through the good times and the bad. The ones who love us for who we are and can look past our annoying and bad habits, big and small. They are the ones who can turn to us for anything and we can do the same in return. They are the ones who ask us why we even continue to keep those pesky "frenemies" around. To which we answer honestly, "I don't know." And despite our poor judgement at times, they love us anyway. I am so grateful for those friends in my life.

These are the friends who are no longer just friends to me.

They are family.

Need to be Free

I see the look in your eyes.
I feel it in the touch of your hand on my thigh.
You think tonight is the night.
But baby, something just isn't right.
You're like a stranger to me.
The one I used to know is just a distant memory.

I don't love you,
This isn't what I want to do.
Now the tears are falling down my face.
How did I end up in this place?

You think you're gonna get lucky,
But boy don't be so cocky.
I cringe when you say my name,
I just don't feel the same.

With each kiss,
I know I can't do this.
This isn't the way it's supposed to be.
I need to be free.

I don't want to hurt you,
But this is not something I can do.
As you kiss my cheek,
I struggle to speak.

You think tonight is the night,
But baby, something just isn't right.
You're like a stranger to me.
The one I used to know is just a distant memory.

I don't know how I got here.
I am living my worst fear.
I finally found someone to love me,
But all I want is to be free.

Falling Into Place

What do you do when everything falls into place,
When you have a constant smile on your face.
A normal person would fill with delight
If you're like me, you are overcome with anxiety and fright.

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
You had always hoped they would,
But never thought they could.

It makes you want to scream,
Things can't possibly be what they seem.
You want to run for the hills
Until the frightened beating of your heart stills.

Everything is finally right,
But all you want to do is fight.
This can't be meant for you,
So what do you do?

You just wait for something to go wrong,
It won't be long...

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
You had always hoped they would,
But never thought they could.

So you push everything away.
Tell yourself there's no reason to stay.
It's smarter to leave while you can,
Instead of be hurt by another man.

The world is opening itself for you,
Offering a chance for you to do what you want to do.
You're too stubborn to see,
That you deserve to be happy.

You decide that everything happens for a reason.
So like the change of the season,
You look forward to a brand new day,
And convince yourself to stay.

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
But everything has fallen into place,
So you walk with your head held high and a grateful smile on your face.

In My Own Skin

I’m a child of immigrants.
My Father was born in Mexico.
My Mother was born and raised in El Salvador.
I was born in San Francisco.

I was brought up loving tamales, pupusas, and hamburgers.
I spoke Spanish.
I spoke English.
I embraced everyone regardless of nationality, ethnicity or color.
I never had to think about it before.

I grew up with white kids.
And all I wanted was to fit in,
But they were too concerned with the color of my skin.
They said there was something not right.
They said I was too Brown to be White.

I moved to a place with very little white kids.
In this brand new place,
I was surrounded by brown faces.
But they were too concerned with the sound of my voice.
They would look at me and frown.
They said something was not right.
They said I was too White to be Brown.

I didn’t speak enough Spanish,
I had the wrong accent.
They said I looked white,
They said that something was not right.
How could I be Brown when I acted so White?

I was stuck in this limbo
It was a terrifying place.
Some were telling me there was something wrong with my face
Others had a problem with the sound of my voice
They all said I needed to make a choice.
I could only be one.
Brown or White.

But they all said something was not right.
I was too Brown to be White,
And I was too White to be Brown.

For a time that was far too long.
I believed that I was wrong.
I believed that there was something about me that was not right.
Now I realize it had nothing to do with being too brown or too white.

The problem was I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.
I was too concerned with fitting in.
I didn’t see how happy I could be
Just by being me.

They all said something was not right.
But I saw the light.
If people can’t accept me for who I am
Screw ‘em.
I’m going to continue being me
And that makes me perfectly happy.