On Your Birthday

We haven't spoken in a year,
I've already shed any and all tears over you.
I said I was done talking to you,
And it hasn't been easy to do...

So just for today,
I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday.
This doesn't mean anything more,
Things will never go back to how they were before.
This doesn't mean I want to get back with you,
It doesn't mean I've forgotten all you said,
But on this day, I just couldn't seem to get you out of my head.

Against my better judgement I'm calling you today,
But I just had to wish you a happy birthday.

I've met someone new,
And he doesn't remind me at all of you.
I'm still trying to figure out if that's good or bad
Because you are a part of some of the best times I've ever had.
He's different from you in so many ways,
And deep down I am hoping he's the one who stays.

I don't mean to be cruel,
But I'm not that same young fool.
I've learned to look out for the good guys,
And give them a real chance,
Because I got tired of all the lies.

I know it didn't work between us,
But I honestly wish you nothing but happiness.
You and I could never just be friends,
But maybe that's what we'll be able to be in the end.

This may have been a mistake to call,
But I just had to call you today,
To wish you a happy birthday.

Swallow My Pride

I'm not sure why I believed you'd call.
I sat by the phone for a good part of my day,
Trying to come up with the right words to say.
We went so long without even a text,
So what did I expect.

Maybe you forgot,
Maybe you just don't care,
But whatever your excuse,
It's just not fair.

I opened my heart to you
And this is what you do.

I know that the situation won't change,
So from now on I won't say a word
Because you already have a girl,
And I'm not the kind of girl who will stay,
When I know I need to walk away.

Part of me knew it was wrong.
I knew it all along,
It's just not meant to be
And I honestly just want you to be happy.

So just like before,
I'll swallow my pride,
I'll never ask for more
And put all these feelings aside.

I will pretend like you never said a thing,
When you start to hear those wedding bells ring,
I'll be there with a big smile on my face.

Sorry to have caused any extra stress,
I know I was a mess.
It's hard to hide from those deep old feelings,
Even when digging them up won't change a thing.

So just like before,
I'm swallowing my pride,
Never asking for more,
And burying those feelings deeper inside.

I've got them under lock and key,
And that's where they'll stay as long as you are happy.

The Only Way to Be

Deep down I always knew it was just a game.
But I know I'll always be the same.
I was ready to give him my heart
Right from the start.

I know I can come on strong,
And for some I play the game all wrong,
But I have so much love inside me
and it's the only way I know how to be.

I'll never regret going through this,
Never regret a single kiss...
Because he opened my mind, body and soul
To so much I had never known.

I have all this love inside me,
It's the only way I know how to be.
So I'm not going to change a thing,
Because if the next one doesn't like me for me,
He can spread his wings
And leave me be.

I'm gonna find the one who wants my love
And he'll never put anyone else above,
And until I find him...
I'm going to keep being me
Because that's the only way I know how to be.

No Matter the Cost

Her heart starts to beat
At an alarming pace.
She feels a sudden wave of heat,
And a deep red blush covers her face.

Just one thought of him,
And she feels lost.
Her head starts to swim
And she knows she needs him no matter the cost.

He drives her crazy,
In more ways than one.
But when she's with him she's in ecstasy,
It's limitless fun.

She hates when he's not around,
But won't let it bring her down.
She waits patiently until she's back in his arms,
She's never felt more warm.

She gets a feeling she's never felt before,
And she craves more.
He's become an addiction
And she fiends for his attention.

She can't get him off her mind,
He is definitely one of a kind.
One thought of him and she feels lost,
And she knows she'll have him no matter the cost.

Never Too Close

She feels like she needs to hide.
Very few people have seen her vulnerable side.
She hides behind a shield,
Always keeping her options open on the field.

She'll let him in,
But never too close,
She's terrified of being forgotten,
And as she gets closer the fear only grows.

She shows him what she thinks he wants to see,
And tries to control the "crazy."
Not as a lie,
Or out of malice,
But out of necessity.

She's been hurt so many times,
She's lost track.
She's felt deep pain,
And doesn't want to go through it again.

But something is changing,
She finds herself lingering.
He's not like the others.
He has some power over her,
And deep hidden feelings are beginning to stir.

There's a pressure building inside,
Something so strong it's getting harder and harder for her to hide.
She's starting to feel more than she should,
More than she ever thought she could.

It feels like a blazing fire,
She's never felt anything like this desire.
But she's going to keep it all locked up tight,
She'll only accept it when she's alone at night.

She'll let him in,
But never too close.
She's terrified of being forgotten,
And as she gets closer the fear only grows.

Thanksgiving

I just wanted to take a minute to express my gratitude for all the amazing people in my life. I know I've said it before, but I don't think it can be said enough....

I am truly blessed. I am so grateful for all the people in my life and for those who are no longer a part of it...Everyone I have met has come into my life for a reason and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them.

Thank you.

Thanks for all the memories,
For helping me find...me.

Thanks for giving me someone in whom I could confide.
Thanks for helping me stay brave,
Even when all I wanted was to run and hide.

Thank you for helping me be strong,
And for helping me right my wrongs.
I owe so much to you all,
You've always been there to catch me when I fall.

I can't say thank you enough,
For all the support, love and the other stuff.
I am truly blessed,
And it's something I will continue to confess.

Karma

Here is my random thought for the day...well if you know me, it's not that random.

I'm a firm believer in karma...the idea that what goes around comes around.

Last night I went out and a guy asked me if I'd be nice enough to watch his jacket while he went outside for a smoke. I said it wasn't a problem, I'd just keep it for him on the chair. Well dude never really came back. I saw him walk back inside the bar, but he didn't stop...I figured he'd come back when he remembered...time passed, and nothing. I was tired and ready to go, so I was extremely conflicted. It was a nice jacket, I could have easily walked out with it...but being the person I am, it felt wrong. So I decided to take a lap around the bar to see if I could find the guy. I walked the whole place twice, and nothing. As I approach our table the girls say he walked outside, so I decide to leave the jacket with them and they can give it back.

Another little nugget of information for you, there also happened to be cash in the pockets...cash that mysteriously fell out of the jacket and into the pocket of one of my friends. As we walk out of the bar I see him outside and we were parked in the opposite direction, but after a few steps something inside me was screaming. So I told my friend we had to give the money back. That it was the right thing to do....so we turn around and go up to him and hand him the money, now dude was drunk, and was having a hard time standing on his own...but his friend was nice enough to say thank you and was genuinely surprised that we gave the money back...then complimented us on how nice we are for a couple of minutes before we left....

I walked away with a good feeling. I was proud of myself for giving it back and a bit embarrassed that I had considered not giving the jacket and money back. I'm hoping that this will work out in my favor in the near future...if not, it's still OK, because I know I did the right and responsible thing. It would have been easy to just walk out with everything, but it took a lot more to actually walk back.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason...so we'll see what happens next!!

Just For Tonight

I'm embarrassed to say I've been thinking about you.
But every time another one walks away,
You are where my thoughts turn to.

I've kept your memory locked up tight,
But I'm pulling it out just for tonight.
I know this is wrong,
And I'm trying to stay strong.

My thoughts always end up back on you,
And I secretly hope you're thinking of me too.
I know you shouldn't be,
We both turned our backs on you and me.

But I needed to say good-bye,
I was just too tired to try.
Our love is over and done,
You weren't the one.

I still think of you,
And how we used to be.
And I've tried to keep your memory locked up tight,
But I'm thinking of you just for tonight.

I Just Want to Know

I can feel it in the air.
Things have changed and I'm completely aware.
You're pulling away,
And there's nothing for me to say.

This is probably how it should be.
You said you didn't want to hurt me.
And here's your way out,
Nothing to stress about.

Don't worry about sparing my feelings,
I just want to know one thing.
What would you say,
What would you do,
If I told you I met someone new?

I'm not saying I have.
But would you even care?
Would how you feel about me change?
Or would everything stay the same?

I'm not putting my life on hold,
I just like the way you keep me warm from the cold.
I like the way you make me feel,
And the fact that you are so real.

This is for the best,
And thank you for not being like all the rest.
You were honest right from the start,
And I knew I'd never have your heart.

Don't worry about sparing my feelings,
I just want to know this one thing...

Never Learn

By know she thought she would have learned,
But she's always the one who ends up getting burned.
There have only been a select few,
Who make her feel the way he has the ability to do.

It's the story of her life.
Forever in the friend zone,
Always ending up alone.

She's not sure what it is about her
That makes them all want to leave.
It's the same story as before.
He came and got what he was looking for,
And now he doesn't need her anymore.

She has never felt worse,
It's like she's been cursed.
She's the girl that guys want to be with to have fun and play,
But they never want to stay.

She's such a catch,
And she keeps waiting to meet someone who's her match.
He's out there somewhere.
Someone who will care
And will be there.

She's getting tired of this game,
It always ends the same.

She thought she saw love in his eyes,
But she was just telling herself lies.
She saw what she wanted to see,
Not how things had actually come to be.

She had him confused,
And now her heart is bruised.
She should have learned,
She's always the one who ends up getting burned.

I Could Be...

I'm struggling to find the words
To describe how I feel.

Tell me what I need to do,
To be the girl for you.
I know I'm not perfect,
But I know I'd be good for you.

I could be
The one who is always there,
The one who will always care.
I could be your lover,
And you'd never need another.

I could be your biggest fan,
Proud to call you my man.
The only one you'll ever need,
Please don't make me plead.

I could be the type of girl
Who gives you her world.

Tell me what I need to do
To be the girl for you.
I know I'm not perfect,
But I could be good for you.

Someone Like You

I've been waiting for someone like you.
Someone I can talk to.
Someone who knows exactly what to say,
And who knows when to walk away.

I've spent my years looking,
Sat alone hoping
That I'd be lucky enough to find someone like you.
And now those hopes are coming true.

I've very fortunate,
And I hope our time together is something you'll never regret.
I'm lucky to know someone like you,
And let's face it,
You're lucky to know me too.

You're someone who will go that extra mile,
Just to see me smile.
You're someone who's kiss has the ability to set my body on fire,
Who's touch is full of desire.

I've learned from my past,
So I don't want to move too fast.
But I know I can make you happy,
If only given a chance.

Someone like you doesn't come around everyday,
Which is why, for now, I'm here to stay.

What You Do

You came out of the blue,
And I already know I'd be lost without you.
You're exactly who I've been hoping for,
You give me a feeling I've never felt before.

When I'm around you,
Nothing else seems to matter.
The outside world becomes a big blur.

You've managed to turn a light on inside me.
I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
It's happiness I've never felt before,
And I want more.

I'm trying to take things slow,
To see where this may go.
I'm trying to be patient,
Sometimes I think you're heaven-sent.

You say all the right things,
You make me laugh,
And make me feel like I could do anything.

You're just too good to be true.
I don't know what I did to deserve you.
I keep hoping I don't say or do the wrong thing,
Because losing you would be devastating.

I want to thank you for being you,
And for all that you do.
Even if this doesn't last,
And we're not meant to be,
You've shown me that I do deserve to be happy.

Through Any Weather...

Every time I pull up to your place,
I feel an instant smile spread across my face.

I've waited patiently to see you,
And have spent that time thinking about all the things we could do.
I see you and all I want is to be in your arms.
Even in the coldest chill you keep me warm.

I enjoy our time together,
No matter the weather.
When it's cold outside,
We can lay under the covers and hide.

When the sun is shining
And it feels just like spring,
We can go for a walk,
And just talk.

No matter the time of day,
We can always find ways to play.
It never matters what we do,
I just enjoy spending time with you.

This isn't some storybook romance,
But if given the chance
We could be good together
Through the good and bad weather.

We get along so well,
Anyone around us for a few minutes can tell.
There is something between us,
Something there,
We make quite the pair.

We aren't ready for anything serious,
Not ready for it to be just us.
I'm happy with how we are,
Although I wish you didn't live so far.

I wouldn't change a thing.
My time with you is never boring.
The more I learn about you,
The more I see,
Continues to make me happy.

Lost

I've hidden my true feelings for so long.
I convinced myself I could never really care for someone.
So I only allowed myself to have fun.
But I couldn't have been more wrong.

You found me when I was lost in the dark,
You brought me back into the light.
And now I'm afraid to lose you.
I don't know what I'd do without having you to talk to.

I already miss you,
And you're not even gone.
I want to be with you sunrise to sunset,
And from dusk till dawn.
But you're not ready for that yet.
So I'll just have to make due.

I'll take you any way I can.
And that's my ultimate plan.
I'll be here as a friend,
And hope we have a chance in the end.

I'm terrified to lose you,
And you're not even mine.

You have lifted me higher,
And I've never been much of a crier,
But you have the ability to make me so happy it nearly brings me to tears.
I want this feeling to last through the years.

It's another love story
Over before it started,
But don't worry,
I'm not broken-hearted.

I knew it all happened so fast,
But had hoped it had the chance to last.

But I'll take you any way I can.
And that's my ultimate plan.
I'll be here as a friend,
And hope we have a chance in the end.

I'm not going to hold my breath.
I'm not going to stress.
Whatever is meant to be will be.
But I'll always hope that you'll end up with me.

Can't Stay...

I like you more than I can say.
Which is why I can't possibly stay.

The more time I spend with you,
With every phone call,
The deeper I fall.
And to my own heart I need to be true.

I want more,
But you want to get out and explore.
I won't hold you back,
Or stand in your way.
Which is why I can't possibly stay.

You're who I've been looking for,
But I need more.
This is a feeling so deep,
You're the first one I've wanted to keep.

The others have come and gone,
And I've had my fun.
I'm beginning to feel,
And this feels too real.

I get lost in your eyes,
I couldn't bare to tell you any lies.
This is a new feeling for me,
I'm not sure what it all means.

All I know is I like you more than I can say,
Which is why I can't possibly stay.

A Poem for My Favorite

Just a little something for my favorite...you know who you are! ;-)



You're one of my very best friends,
And you know I'll be here for you until the very end.
Through all the silly boys
And their silly talking that we'll just call stupid noise.


You bring out the best in me,
Whenever I'm around you I can't help but be happy.
You help me stay strong,
We can't seem to go without talking for very long.


We can laugh about anything,
All it takes is the simplest thing.
I joke that you're my soul mate,
But it must be true...
Because I've never had a friend quite like you.


You've become my family,
And I would do anything for you.
I love you with all my heart,
And I knew we'd be close right from the very start.


You helped me keep smiling even when I was sad.
You're the last person I'd ever want to make mad.
You may call me out when I'm being a chicken shit,
But you'll always and forever be my favorite!

To an Old Lover

I don't love you anymore,
Don't know how I ever did before.

It was young puppy love,
But when push came to shove
You never came through.
But what could I expect,
You were just being you.

We're over and done,
It's no longer any fun.
I gave you my all,
But you never let me get inside your great wall.

You kept your guard up,
Never could be weak.
Hurt me so badly,
I could hardly speak.

I did love you once,
More than you'll know
And now I'm left here with nothing to show.

I'm worth more than what you gave me,
But I am finally becoming the woman I always knew I could be.

It was young puppy love,
But when push came to shove,
You never came through.
But what could I expect,
You were just being you.

The One

All it takes is the smallest touch
To set my body on fire.
And I tremble with desire.

All it takes is one look,
You read me like a book.
Everything around me disappears
And the rapid beat of my heart is the only thing I hear.

I see your face
And don't want to be any other place.
I want to feel your arms around me,
There's no place I'd rather be.

When I'm wrapped up in your arms
I feel safe from any harm.
Everything that I'm saying is true,
But please don't let it alarm you.

You're not looking for a girlfriend,
I'm just trying to be your friend.
But who knows how things will end up in the end.
So for now I'll just have fun,
and maybe one day I can be the one.

The one you turn to.
The one you can always trust to be true.
The one you can call a lover.
The one you can always call a friend.
The one who will be there until the very end.

Untitled

A feeling so strong
It blurs the line between right and wrong.
A passion so full of fire,
Lust and desire.

They occupy your every thought,
Invade every corner of your mind.
A love so blind.

It's as if no one else exists,
And all you need is their loving.

Your hear beats so fast
You hope this feeling will last.

You never want them to go away.
Always connected,
You need to be near them,
Like a flower to a stem...

a late night thought

These are completely random lines that just popped in my head...Enjoy!




Have you ever sat and waited by the phone?
And never felt more alone?

Have you ever hated yourself because you care,
and felt like the world just wasn't fair?

Does it bother you that they didn't call?
Do you tremble at the thought that you may have started to fall...

You know it's not meant to be,
but somehow all you can think is,
"You've just gotten to me.
You've gotten under my skin,"
And for once you've thought,
"This is a contest I'm not going to win."

Have you ever sat and cried
For no real reason at all?
And with one last sob, and a tremble, you sigh,
"Please don't let me fall."

Open

I don’t want to fall…
I’ve never felt like this before.
It’s like being caught in the middle of a storm.

I know the right thing to do.
But I know the feeling I get when I’m with you.
For the first time I’m happy in my own skin,
You have me completely open.

I feel naked and a tiny bit scared,
And with nothing to compare,
I’m terrified to fall.
And give it my all.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt like this,
Since I have yearned for someone’s kiss.
But the timing is wrong,
And there are a thousand reasons why I can’t and shouldn’t fall.
So I will stay strong.

You won’t see the fear,
And never see me shed a tear.
I’ll be that friend,
And never ask for anything more,
Even if my heart is falling to the floor.

I don’t want to fall.
I don’t want to care.
This situation is nothing new,
It's something I know how to do.
I’ve done it before,
Always the friend,
Never anything more.

As hard as it may seem,
I still feel like I’m walking in a dream.
I don't even know what I’m looking for,
But unlike ever before,
I’m happy in my own skin,
And you have me completely open.

Inspiration

Where do we find our inspiration?

I think that for every person inspiration is manifested in different ways. Some may find it in another person, some may find it in nature, and others may not even know where it comes from, but may be suddenly hit by this intense feeling of creativity or emotion.

I've been thinking about what inspires me. And I figured out that it can't be explained by any one thing. There are so many people and things that inspire me.

Watching my loved ones inspires me to be better; not to be better than them, but to be better for them.

Watching young people being molded into our future leaders inspires me to make a difference in a young person's life. They inspire hope.

Listening to music inspires me to reach deep within my heart and soul to find my true self and my real feelings.

Reading inspires me to find my story.

A kind gesture or a simple smile from a stranger inspires me to pass the same courtesy on to someone else.

Tragedy inspires me to live life to the fullest. We never know how long we have.

My parents inspire me to be brave enough to look for that one person who makes me happy and who is my other half. And that I do deserve to be happy.

Love inspires me to live.

People...they come and go...

Over the years, I have met more people than I can even remember...

There were the people who came in for a few brief moments who I'll never think about again.

There are the people who stuck around for a little while longer, who I vaguely remember as being there at some point in time.

There are the people who left an impression on me, who I will think back on for years to come, but who will never be a real presence in my life...

And then there are the people who have honestly touched my heart.

It is a very diverse group of people...people who I know will have some place in my life for years. I met them in different places, under different circumstances, but they all have affected me profoundly...

I am eternally grateful for these people.

Some of them may be around for the long haul. The ones I'll grow old with; the ones who 50 years down the road, will be showing me pictures of their grand kids.

Some may not.

I have lost friends, but have been blessed enough to meet new ones...

Everyone who comes into our lives are here for a purpose. There is a reason they appeared in our lives. Maybe they are there to offer words of wisdom, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a smile when our world is crumbling, and maybe they are meant to teach us a life lesson.

I miss those friends who have "served their purpose"

The friends that are no longer "friends," but acquaintances, or fading memories of the past.

Friendship is a delicate balance...it's knowing how to be a friend and how to treat a friend...and sometimes knowing when you have outgrown a friendship.

It's hard knowing when to fight for a friendship, and when to simply let go...

I have fought, and I've let go...and those experiences have made me into the woman I am today...they have taught me about life, and about being myself.

The lifetime friends.

The fading memories.

The lost friends.

The new friends.

I would not be the woman I am today without them.

And for that, I am forever grateful...

Randomness at its finest

What do you do when the one thing you want most is put right in front of you, but somehow you let it slip through your fingers??

It's right there for you, ready for you to grab on, but then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone...it's over and there's nothing you can do about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've realized that in my 24 years, I have fallen for countless boys, but I'm ready to fall for a man.

And there is a difference. A big difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when to stop thinking and just let things happen?

When do you realize it's time to get over your fears and just jump?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is crazy.
Life is messy.
Life can be hard.
Sometimes the bad times outweight the good...
And other times life can't get any sweeter...
It's the ups and downs, the obstacles and successes, that make life so interesting, and amazing and frustrating all at the same time.

Give Me a Reason

I'm begging you to give me a reason to stay,
Because every fiber of my being is telling me to turn around and walk away.

And just one word from you,
And I will never leave your side.
I'll love you with all I have,
And would be happy to become your bride.

My love for you is deeper
Than the deepest ocean.
We may always argue,
And we may always fight,

But being with you
Makes it alright.
I just need to hear you say,
That you need me to stay.

I need to hear you say
That you can't live without me,
And by my side is where you are meant to be.
That for you to be happy and complete,
I am the key.

I'm begging you to give me a reason to stay,
Because every fiber of my being is telling me to turn around and walk away.

You have hurt me.
You have told me countless lies,
But all the pain disappears with one look in your eyes.

I've shed my tears.
I've overcome my fears.
I'm ready to be yours,
You have the key to my heart's heavy doors.

We have both grown,
Where we'd end up,
We never could have known...

But I'm begging you to give me a reason to stay,
Because every fiber of my being is telling me to turn around and walk away...

If you don't want me
Tell me now.
I've lived without you
and I know I can do it again.

But I will always love you,
and will always be true.
But I refuse to lose myself,
Just to be with you.

I want you to fight.
Tell me everything will be alright.
Tell me you need to feel me in your arms.
That you'll never do me harm...

I'm begging you to give me a reason to stay,
Because every fiber of my being is telling me to turn around and walk away.

It's been a while...

I've been gone for a while...but I'm back!

I've been busy at work. The days just don't seem to be long enough. By the time I get home, all I want to do is sleep or read. Just slow down and do nothing.

BUT...

I will be free in 13 days...and then let the fun begin!

I am taking my cousin's advice....

It's time to love my life.

I mean REALLY love my life. Yes I'm happy, yes I am extremely grateful for all that I have and the wonderful people in my life, but it is time to move forward, time to make this the life I want.

I'm going to take advantage of this life God has given me.

So be on the lookout...updates on my summer adventures, more random thoughts and reflections...it's going to be a good summer.

How Comfortable is TOO Comfortable?

I know I have been MIA...but as promised, my continuation of my last entry...

Is there a specific time period you need to know someone before you can officially be called "friends?" Or a time when you can say you truly know someone?

I don't think there is a set time...some of us can become fast friends, opening up to each other right away and sharing intimate details right off the bat. However soon that may occur, what's the proper etiquette for being able to tell that new "friend" that they are full of it, or are being idiotic...basically call them out a way would a friend we've had for years...

For me, being able to do that takes some time. If I just met this person I don't know how they will react, maybe they don't speak fluent sarcasm like I do...I could potentially hurt and lose a potential friend. Not something I think is worth sounding smart or offering TOO much advice.

Sure, a nudge in the right direction and subtle hints are all fine and dandy, but flat out telling someone they are wrong, not cool. Imagine if you will, knowing someone for about a week and them telling you..."I like you, it's that simple. I'm just waiting for you to get with the program." That may not seem too out of the ordinary or rude, but in the proper context it was one of the most outlandish comments to make. Maybe after a month, but one week...please don't kid yourself in thinking you know someone well enough after that amount of time. ESPECIALLY if your only contact was through TEXT MESSAGES!

In my eyes and my way of thinking it is just to soon for that. For all you know the person could respond happily and say "OMG, I like you too!" which, in that case, congratulations! Your somewhat rude and very straightforward comment got you exactly what you wanted. BUT, there is also the risk that the person will react with a "Excuse me?" Then forcing you to run your mouth even more to the point where the person no longer wishes to speak to you or have any contact with you...

I'm sure you can all guess where this all came from and which way it turned out for me, lol.

For the record, I do cherish and appreciate someone who is honest with me, but they need to do it in a way that's suitable for my personality...and after one week there is no one who can figure me out that quickly. Being comfortable with someone takes time...and that's the beauty of friendships and relationships...the time you take to really get to know someone.

Text relationships

So not too long ago I went out to a lounge. I went with the girls, with no intention of meeting anyone. Although what single girl can honestly say the thought is not running around in the back of her head?? Anyway, it was a great night...we spent the majority of our time there drooling over the bartender and enjoying our drinks.

At one point I got up to use the restroom and unfortunately lost my seat at the bar. As I'm standing behind the girls, I guess I looked pissed off (I wasn't, it was just the way I was standing) and a guy approached me and asked if I was doing OK. When I replied with a puzzled look, he said I looked like I wanted to kick someones ass. I laughed and he took that as a green light to talk to me. So we spent some time talking, it ended up he lives in the same city I work in, and he seemed like an okay guy. After a little while he told me he was going to let me get back to my girls, and I did.

We enjoyed some more drinks, and I honestly forgot about the guy. We closed the place down, so as the bouncer is trying to get us all out, the guy comes up to me again. We talk some more and his friend comes up and asks if we exchanged numbers (we hadn't). I respond with a smart ass comment about how he never asked me for mine. The guy whips out his phone and asks. I thought he seemed harmless enough so I gave it to him. He sent me a text right then so I wouldn't forget about him (sounds kind of cute right?)

Anyway, for the next couple of days we sent an absurd amount of texts to each other. We were supposed to meet up, but things didn't work out. So we continued with the text messages. He said all the right things up to a point. Long story short, we are no longer talking...

But it got me to thinking about texting and how much we rely on texting. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to text people...I'm not the biggest fan of phone conversations. It's so much easier and way more time efficient to send a quick message. The funny thing about it is when people try to have those full conversations through texts. Yes I am guilty of it, but it's so ridiculous.

If you have that much to say, call the person! I can't tell you how many times I've heard stories or seen people who argue through texts, a lot of the time I don't think they even started out arguing, but because one person got hurt by a text or took a text the wrong way it turned into an argument or a fight. My question is how can we really know what the person meant through a text? You can't see their face, you can't hear the tone of their voice. We have to rely on caps and exclamations points to express emotions.

So I had a text relationship that lasted about a week before I got irritated with the fact that this dude couldn't pick up the phone and actually call me. Again, I love texting...but there's definitely a time and a place for it.

My next topic to come shortly, that coincides with this post is...How comfortable is too comfortable?? Think about it.

Unfinished

We left so many things unsaid.
We drifted so far apart.
We turned our backs,
And just walked away.

Instead of fighting, we fled.
Now I'm looking for a fresh start.
We let it slip through the cracks,
And left no reason to stay.

It's over and done.
You were never the one.
I'll always love you,
I'll always care,
I will always be a friend,
But our time together has come to an end.

Not Meant To Be

I can't stand to see you cry,
But I can't keep living this lie.
I don't love you anymore,
Things just aren't like before.

We've grown apart
And it's time for a fresh start.
I can't look at you the same,
And I'm tired of playing this game.

I don't know when it happened,
When I knew it was the end.
You were always good to me,
But we just aren't meant to be.

I know there's someone out there who will treat you right,
Someone who won't always try and pick a fight.
I know there's someone who will make you happy,
It just can't be me.

I'll never forget about you and me,
But we're just not meant to be.

Are You Happy?

Are you happy?
You finally broke me.

I used to see nothing but love in your eyes.
I used to feel nothing but warmth in your embrace.
Now all I hear are lies.
I can't figure out how we got to this place.

You said you loved me.
You said you would always care.
Now you want to be free,
And all you can do is look at me with a cold, blank stare.

Are you happy?
You finally broke me.

I'm so afraid of being alone,
No more hours spent with you on the phone.
Nothing will ever be the same.
And you are to blame.

Are you happy?
You finally broke me.

I'd be lying if I said I won't think of you.
And I know you're going to think of me too.
I thought we were in it for the long haul,
I hate that I let myself fall.

My friends tell me I just need time,
They tell me it will be an uphill climb,
But I will get over it,
And one day I'll forget.

But right now all I want is you,
and I know that makes me the biggest fool.
But you finally broke me...
Tell me,
Are you happy?

What recession??

As I sat in the nail shop a few days ago, I got to thinking about the hard times we as Americans are currently facing. Why you ask?

It's because as I sat in the spa chair I looked around at the very full shop. During the hour time period I was there, there was a constant stream of women coming in and out of the shop for manicures, pedicures, waxing, etc. By the looks of this place, you never would have thought we were going through a recession.

Yes, I am guilty of it, spending money where it isn't actually necessary. I can certainly paint my own nails and toes, but there's something about getting it done without having to exert any real effort. With the weather warming up, obviously more women are in getting pedicures...it's just wrong to where flip flops or sandals with nasty looking toes!

So it may be the weather, but I think another part of it, is just that simply getting our nails done makes us feel pretty and for a tomboy like me, a little more feminine. Having nicely manicured hands makes us feel good. And through this dark period right now, I think a lot of women are willing to spend the $15-$30 on a mani-pedi to feel a little better about their current situation.

Gravity

There's something that draws me to you.
I can't figure out what it is that you do.
You have some kind of hold on me.
I can't seem to break free.

It's undeniable.
It's incredible.
It's this invisible force.
It's constantly making me change course.
Always bringing me closer to you.
There's nothing I can do.

There's no point in fighting it.
It makes me believe we're a perfect fit
It's your gravity,
It has a hold on me.

It won't let me go.
It only seems to grow.
It's undeniable,
it's incredible.
Always bringing me closer to you,
there's nothing I can do.

The way earth dances with the moon
I have you.
We're doing this slow, teasing dance,
Leaving our fate up to chance.

But something always draws me back to you.
And I know you feel it too.
It's your gravity,
It has a hold on me.

It's undeniable,
it's incredible.
Always bringing me closer to you,
and I know you feel it too...

Writer's Block

As I sit here, I am struggling to get my thoughts out. I tried sitting with my little notebook and just started writing, but nothing made much sense. I have so many ideas swirling through my head, but can't seem to put them on paper.

Random thoughts pop into my head and are gone just as fast as they appeared. Maybe I'm trying to hard. The harder I think about it, the faster my thoughts escape me.

The only other time I experienced writer's block was when I was taking English and writing classes. I had my topic, but it took time for me to get anything down. So now that I have no specific topic to discuss, it's extremely difficult to even know where to start.

So bear with this current post. It will simply be my random thoughts and ideas coming out of me naturally...hopefully some topic with spark my interest and this will end up being a piece of good writing or relevant...doubtful.

Here I go:


My itunes playlist is always on shuffle, which means I listen to a smooth, sensual R & B ballad, then I hear an upbeat Reggaeton track, then maybe some country...I even have some classical Spanish guitar on there...it causes so many different thoughts and emotions to come up. Right now Amerie's "I just died" is on...if you haven't heard the song before, listen to it. It's one of my personal favorites...Music serves as a great inspiration...random little story ideas appear in my mind after listening to music.

I'm even trying to learn how to play the guitar now...it's been a challenge. I can play happy birthday and a few chords of some song my brother taught me. I'm progressing much slower than I'd like...but that's probably my lack of time to dedicate to just playing. The same way I've tried to dedicate some time to writing and reading, I have yet to set aside time for my guitar.

I started working on a story a while back...I put it aside because I started to lose interest in my characters, but lately they have been slowly sneaking back into my thoughts...hopefully one of these days I'll be struck with some kind of inspiration to continue their story.

I guess this blog is exhibit A for why I never seem to finish my thoughts and certain tasks. I get distracted and start something else. I started my story, then decided to take up the guitar, and now I'm slowly going back to the writing. I guess it all comes down to balance...finding a way to do everything with the time I'm given.

New goal: set aside time for all the things I want to get better at. I'm not going to get better by thinking or talking about practicing, but actually doing it...

Tonight I Want to Cry

It's funny how the smallest thing can bring out so many different emotions. It can dig up repressed feelings you had long buried deep inside you, with no plan on ever pulling them out of that tiny box you hid them in.

It's strange how a phone call or message from an old friend, or a story about someone you used to care about and thought you knew can make you choke up. You get to that point where you just want to give up...let the darkness and negativity consume you.

Sometimes you just want to cry.

It's easy to put up the front, wear the happy mask, or as I like to call it, my "happy face" but deep down you are screaming in frustration. Someone you used to see as an ally, as a friend, someone who recently completely tuned you out, suddenly reappears and acts as if months have not passed and they haven't done anything wrong...

Sometimes you just want to cry...

There's nothing wrong with a good cry. Sometimes we just need to let out all those emotions. For me, they are better expressed behind closed doors, with no witnesses. That good cry relieves that building pressure...it releases this weight off of your chest. All the hurt you feel, the pain, the disappointment, the feelings of betrayal, the frustration, they all seem to be washed away with your tears.

Sometimes you just need to cry.

Tonight I want to cry...

People Watching

I have always loved to people watch.

No, I'm not some kind of peeping Tom or stalker. People have just always interested me. I've always wondered why we do and say certain things, why we act the way that we do.

Well today I was sitting in mass, and (Lord forgive me) I was bored, so I started to look around. It's amazing the different kinds of people you can see in church on any given Sunday. There are people of all ages, families, couples, people there alone, the "regulars" and the ones with a guilty conscience who are there asking for forgiveness. Today I happened to notice the women in church.

Now, when I go to church, I don't put on my "Sunday best." I normally go in jeans and a shirt. I have moved up from sneakers to cute flats or maybe even some cute boots, but I usually opt for comfortable and casual as opposed to the dress or skirt and heels. Today as I was looking around and I saw so many parishioners dressed so nicely, I started to wonder if I should dress up more.

Then it hit me...Just like all the different kinds of people who are there in church every Sunday, God loves us no matter what we look like. So is dressing up in a dress and heels going to make Him love me anymore? I highly doubt it. I mean no disrespect to the people who do dress in their "Sunday best." I actually admire them, they obviously take the time every morning to really get ready and put a lot of thought into their wardrobe.

For me, that time is normally spent doing something more productive, like reading or writing, or just enjoying the beautiful day God has blessed me with. I know this is a completely random thought, but I've been thinking about it pretty much all day.

When it all comes down to it, I will always keep the same belief in my heart...as long as I am leading my life in a positive and healthy way and have good intentions and love in my heart, God will love me no matter what I happen to be wearing, and when I make a mistake and lose my way, He will be there to forgive me and love me.

Random Thought

As the one year mark at my current job approaches, I have been thinking more and more about life and how fast it can go by. There's the old saying, that known cliche, "Time flies when you're having fun," but what about when you're not exactly "having fun?"

What about those of us who are still searching, just kind of drifting through life, hoping to find whatever it is we're looking for. Life still goes by just as fast, if not faster. When there is no specific destination in sight, the world seems to fly by quicker than I'd like. Plans to take an exam and apply to grad school, or a credential program, all the plans for the future seem to get lost.

Life is too short...what do you do when you want to move forward and move into your future, but you don't know which direction is forward? A single mistake can send you back or onto the wrong path. A single decision can make you feel as though you haven't spent the last few years trying to plan a future, just trying to form some kind of plan.

I never feared the future until recently. Everyone around me seems to be getting engaged, settling down, having kids, moving forward...and I feel stuck in the same place. It's like I'm stuck in some kind of cement and I can't break free. As hard as I fight, it only seems to get stronger and I feel weaker...I'm not a dependent person, but there are times where I just want someone to lean on. Someone to share this burden with. I need someone to slow down the hands of time for me. Someone to help me find that path I should be on...

Two years have gone by since I entered the "real world." I feel like I have grown as a person, but I still have so much more growing to do. I guess it's time to pick up the pace, time to keep up with this fast pace life that seems to surround me. I don't want to be the granny in the slow lane being passed by everyone and left behind all alone.

Random Lines of Poetry

~Unfinished works~

I'm a hopeless romantic.
A good love story makes my heart frantic.
I blush at the sight of a beautiful bouquet.
What more can I say?

I hear amazing story after story.
And quietly wonder, what about me?
Where is my happy ending?
Where is my prince charming...

Love is the only reason to live,
And I have all this love to give.
All it takes is a deep knowing glance,
To start a storybook romance.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm scared to fail.
I'm afraid to give it my all.
Because I don't know how hard I may fall.

Everytime I put my all in,
I never seem to win.
I don't want to lose.
I don't know which path to choose.

Give it my all
And possibly fall,
Or play it safe
And plan my escape.

I don't want to let you down.
I want to be worthy of this invisible crown.

Friends

I just finished reading a book, "Frenemies," by Megan Crane. I had never heard of the author before, but happened to find the book in the bargain section at a Barnes & Noble not too long ago. I read the book in about 2 and a half days. I probably could have read it much faster if it weren't for that annoying responsibility called work.

The book was funny and insightful. I truly enjoyed reading it. I could relate to the main character Gus. She was approaching 30 and still in need of some serious maturing. At the younger age of 24, I have that same feeling. The need to grow up and move on from all the petty and useless "high school" drama. At the same time, 24 is not the age to turn into some old maid. I am still young and am still looking to have fun and experience life.

In the book, she talks about the different people and friends in her life and it got me to thinking about mine. I have been truly blessed with some of the most amazing people. Friends have come and gone, but at the end of the day, the ones who matter, the ones who want me in their lives as much as I want them in mine are still there. I know that I can call and we can pick up where we left off. We can talk for hours about everything and anything.

There are the friends who have been around for years. There are the friends who are more recent, but just as important to me and my sanity. Then there are the "friends." The people who I consider friends, but who are more like acquaintances. A lot of the people who land in this category are high school friends. The ones who when we see each other we are happy and excited for the pseudo-reunion, but at the end of the night they are already a distant memory. There's no immediate rush to see them again. That's not to say that there aren't old friends who do spark that old flame, the ones who I do want to see again and get to know all over again. Those are the long lost friends. They took a small hiatus, but comforably can fall back into my world again.

There are so many different kinds of friends and even the "frenemies." Those are the people who are all hugs and kisses to your face, but you know that as soon as your back is turned they couldn't care less about you. It's a friendship of convenience. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Because I can't think of a single person who hasn't been that "friend" to someone else. There are just those people who are still in our lives, even when we don't know the exact reason. So we call them friends, but never lose sight of who our true friends are.

Our true friends are the friends that are there day in and day out, through the good times and the bad. The ones who love us for who we are and can look past our annoying and bad habits, big and small. They are the ones who can turn to us for anything and we can do the same in return. They are the ones who ask us why we even continue to keep those pesky "frenemies" around. To which we answer honestly, "I don't know." And despite our poor judgement at times, they love us anyway. I am so grateful for those friends in my life.

These are the friends who are no longer just friends to me.

They are family.

Need to be Free

I see the look in your eyes.
I feel it in the touch of your hand on my thigh.
You think tonight is the night.
But baby, something just isn't right.
You're like a stranger to me.
The one I used to know is just a distant memory.

I don't love you,
This isn't what I want to do.
Now the tears are falling down my face.
How did I end up in this place?

You think you're gonna get lucky,
But boy don't be so cocky.
I cringe when you say my name,
I just don't feel the same.

With each kiss,
I know I can't do this.
This isn't the way it's supposed to be.
I need to be free.

I don't want to hurt you,
But this is not something I can do.
As you kiss my cheek,
I struggle to speak.

You think tonight is the night,
But baby, something just isn't right.
You're like a stranger to me.
The one I used to know is just a distant memory.

I don't know how I got here.
I am living my worst fear.
I finally found someone to love me,
But all I want is to be free.

Falling Into Place

What do you do when everything falls into place,
When you have a constant smile on your face.
A normal person would fill with delight
If you're like me, you are overcome with anxiety and fright.

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
You had always hoped they would,
But never thought they could.

It makes you want to scream,
Things can't possibly be what they seem.
You want to run for the hills
Until the frightened beating of your heart stills.

Everything is finally right,
But all you want to do is fight.
This can't be meant for you,
So what do you do?

You just wait for something to go wrong,
It won't be long...

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
You had always hoped they would,
But never thought they could.

So you push everything away.
Tell yourself there's no reason to stay.
It's smarter to leave while you can,
Instead of be hurt by another man.

The world is opening itself for you,
Offering a chance for you to do what you want to do.
You're too stubborn to see,
That you deserve to be happy.

You decide that everything happens for a reason.
So like the change of the season,
You look forward to a brand new day,
And convince yourself to stay.

It must be too good to be true.
Things like this don't happen to you.
But everything has fallen into place,
So you walk with your head held high and a grateful smile on your face.

In My Own Skin

I’m a child of immigrants.
My Father was born in Mexico.
My Mother was born and raised in El Salvador.
I was born in San Francisco.

I was brought up loving tamales, pupusas, and hamburgers.
I spoke Spanish.
I spoke English.
I embraced everyone regardless of nationality, ethnicity or color.
I never had to think about it before.

I grew up with white kids.
And all I wanted was to fit in,
But they were too concerned with the color of my skin.
They said there was something not right.
They said I was too Brown to be White.

I moved to a place with very little white kids.
In this brand new place,
I was surrounded by brown faces.
But they were too concerned with the sound of my voice.
They would look at me and frown.
They said something was not right.
They said I was too White to be Brown.

I didn’t speak enough Spanish,
I had the wrong accent.
They said I looked white,
They said that something was not right.
How could I be Brown when I acted so White?

I was stuck in this limbo
It was a terrifying place.
Some were telling me there was something wrong with my face
Others had a problem with the sound of my voice
They all said I needed to make a choice.
I could only be one.
Brown or White.

But they all said something was not right.
I was too Brown to be White,
And I was too White to be Brown.

For a time that was far too long.
I believed that I was wrong.
I believed that there was something about me that was not right.
Now I realize it had nothing to do with being too brown or too white.

The problem was I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.
I was too concerned with fitting in.
I didn’t see how happy I could be
Just by being me.

They all said something was not right.
But I saw the light.
If people can’t accept me for who I am
Screw ‘em.
I’m going to continue being me
And that makes me perfectly happy.

He May Not Be Perfect

He may not be perfect
But neither are you...

He may not always say the right thing
But he makes your heart sing.

He may tell you lies
And bring tears to your eyes.
He may not always do what he's told
But deep down he has a heart made of gold.
He'll hold you tight when you're feeling cold.
Nothing about him will ever get old.

He'll kiss away ever single tear
And continue to love you year after year.

The two of you may fight,
But he'll always be there to hold you at night.
He may make you cry,
But a part of you would die
Without him in your life.

He's the only one who's ever really held your heart.
The two of you can't stand to be apart.
For better or worse
He's the one you want to be with.
He makes everything better
And makes life that much sweeter.

He may not be perfect,
But neither are you.

The highs far outweigh the lows.
When you are together everything around you slows.
You are the only two people in the room.
The look in his eyes says everything.
He loves you
And he always will.
Your heart soars with glee.
And this is the only place you want to be.

He may not always do the right thing
And he's not perfect,
But neither are you.
But maybe...
Just maybe he's exactly what you need

Alone neither of you are perfect,
But together,
There's nothing better.

Good Stories

What makes a good story?

Is it the characters? Is it the setting? Is it the plot itself? Is it simply the ability of the author to masterfully and beautifully tie everything together. The way the author can realistically but at the same time unbelievably weave their characters through the plot...

Is it the language, the beautiful, descriptive words used to describe even the simplest object? The words used to describe love, heartbreak, pain and sorrow...

What is it that pulls a reader in? What keeps their eyes glued to the pages, constantly craving more? What makes a person continue reading into the wee hours of the morning, never feeling fatigue, only feeling what the characters feel?

Or is it simply our desire, the readers' desire, to read a really good story, one so magical and captivating that it can completely pull us into a different world?

Maybe it's the escape. A tantilizing story allows us to escape reality, if only for a short period. A good story has the ability to fill the reader with unbearable pain, despair, heartbreak, loneliness and utter darkness.

Above all, a really good story has the ability to fill us with undying, unfaltering hope.

Smile

When you think of me
I hope you smile.
I hope you remember how I made you feel.
I hope you laugh at every memory.
And I hope you remember how you and I used to be.

You’re going to wish you had me in your life.
You’re going to want me back.
You won’t get me back this time.
No, this time
I moved on
And there’s no turning back.

You will think of me
And when you do
I hope you smile.

You will always have a place in my heart
But you are a part of my past
And that’s where you belong
Because I finally moved on

I was mad
I was sad
Then I was just tired.
Tired of everything bad
Tired of the pain

When I think of you
I smile.
I smile and laugh at the memories
And smile knowing that your chapter in my life
Is finally over

When you think of me
I hope you smile.

Longing

The way a flower longs to feel the gentle caress of the sun
The way an athlete longs to run
The way the stars long for night
The way the cold of darkness longs for light
The way Juliet longed for her Romeo

That’s the way I long for you.
The man of my dreams,
A man I have never met nor seen
But the man who I know is out there.

The way dreams search and long for night
That’s the way I long to find you…

Can You Feel It?

Whether you are an Obama supporter or not, you cannot deny the electricity in the air. I woke up today with a sudden surge of energy and anticipation.

I am fully aware that this "change" that has been spoken about will not happen overnight. It's going to take time and work on our part, as well as our new president and government. But the very prospect of change causes my heart to beat faster.

We have such an amazing opportunity in front of us. We have the ability to really move forward and make change happen. We are standing in the middle of history. For someone who is a part of my generation, this is the kind of thing we heard stories about, the things we read about in history books. Well today we are a part of it. I don't know about you, but that fills my heart with a sense of optimism that has been missing for quite sometime.

I'm not expecting some miracle. I am not expecting that as soon as Obama is sworn in, the skies will open and everything will magically be better. Anyone who thinks that way is seriously diluted. But he does inspire change, he inspires us to do more, or at least want to do more, to be more involved.

It is going to take time, but I can't help but feel excited and hopeful for the future.

Only a Little

I knew this day would come.
The day you’d tell me you met someone.
You’ve been my secret crush
I liked you so much

But when you said those words,
I’ve met someone new.
It hurt me,
But only a little.

You told me all about her.
Said you had just seen her.
She seems good for you,
And you seem to really like her too.

When you said those words,
It hurt me,
But only a little.

Realization finally hit me.
You and I will never be.
I thought that truth would be unbearable,
But it is understandable.

We have a great distance between us
A distance that will not get any smaller
The happiness in your voice
The obvious smile on your face

You are happy.
That’s what’s most important to me.
That makes me happy.

When you said those words,
It hurt me,
But only a little.

Back to Basics

I went to mass today. The first time in quite a while. I had lost my desire to even go to church, I felt like I had lost my faith in it. I still prayed, and I still tried to live my life according to all the teachings I have learned throughout my life. But I never felt that going to church for one hour, once a week made me any better of a person. I still do feel the same way. We have adulterers, criminals and just bad people who think they can go to church on Sunday, sit through an hour of mass and they're automatically forgiven.

I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a God. There is a higher power. I had just lost my way, not caring to go to mass. Part of not wanting to go to church, was that it brought back bad memories for me. I would spend countless Sundays praying to God, asking Him to watch over someone very special to me. I was brought to tears nearly every Sunday. I needed some time away from that feeling.

Sitting in mass today, I got that familiar feeling. The warmth that I used to feel when I would be in mass. It felt good. It was good to be back. I still prayed for that person although he's not really a part of my life anymore, I still pray that God watches over him and keeps him safe and helps him find whatever it is he is looking for.

I doubt I will be at mass every Sunday, but I don't feel as hesitant about going. It really did feel good today. There were no tears, just that warm feeling like everything was going to be alright and things are going to be better.

Disney rant

Ok, so let me start by saying I am a Disney kid. I grew up watching Disney movies, reading Disney books. One of my favorite places is Disneyland, and I love Disneyworld too.

But, with age, I have noticed some patterns in all the classic Disney movies, the ones I fell in love with as a young girl. Maybe I'm pulling the Bitter Betty card, but being a young single female who has been hurt by more than one boy (I'm not going to even call them men), I got to thinking about all those Disney princesses.

We are all looking for our happily ever after...whatever that may entail is different for everyone, but if you look at pretty much every Disney princess, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, the Little Mermaid, Belle, Jasmine, even Mulan, how did each of those movies end? What was their fairy tale ending?

They found a man!!

They didn't become successful, independent women (and yes I realize they are cartoons and they are all set in different times) but they found their prince and that was the end of their story. Now I have to admit, I always liked Mulan because she seemed to be the independent woman, just trying to help her family...she wasn't looking for love, but it found her. She was the opposite of the damsel in distress. I always liked that.

Again, let me repeat, I love Disney movies, but being older, I can watch them and take them for what they are, entertainment. But what about the young girls who watch them, the girl I once was? They watch and see these women who's dreams are finally fulfilled when they find a man to love them! I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But what kind of message are we sending to our young girls? We're telling them that they won't be truly happy and have their fairy tale ending, their happily ever after unless they have a man??

Lord knows I want to find that man who respects me and loves me and someone I can love and respect in return. But I know that I don't need a man to make me happy.

Maybe this is just my bitter rant because I haven't met my "prince charming." I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to find him one day, but my story will definately not end once I find him(if I find him). I want to be my own woman, make a name for myself, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to share that with someone. I just refuse to let that someone be all I strive to acheive in life.

Ahhh...my feminist side has shown itself...I'm not a man-hater, trust me. Maybe it's just the fact that I have yet to meet the man who has made me want to live my life for him. I am very doubtful he even exists, but who knows...maybe there are some good ones left out there who are worth my time...only time will tell.

My Therapy

Sitting through the hours at work
I find myself counting down the minutes
Rushing to get home to you
To feel the keys of the laptop under my fingers
To feel the pen in the palm of my hand

I am rushing home to the ideas flowing through my head
Anxious to put them down on paper
You are my new obsession
The one thing that helps heal the current hole
In my soul

I haven’t felt a love like this for years
This profound feeling almost brings me to tears
When did this become my life?
The flow of the words
Brings me my needed therapy
It heals me.

I’m rushing home to you
To feel the keys under my fingers
To feel the pen in my palm

You are the one thing that helps heal the hole
In my soul.

Every Time the Phone Rings

How can this be happening?
I convinced myself you were just a friend
That we could and would never be more.

My heart skips a beat when I hear the phone ring.
I hope it’s you on the other end.
I think I want you more now than ever before.

The sound of your voice is like velvet.
I don’t know how much sweeter it can get.
A smile spreads across my face
And I find myself in a much happier place.

It’s an impossible love
You have never seen me in that way
And I continue to fight these feelings
But all I want is to tell you to stay.

Be with me
Love me.
Be everything I have ever hoped for,
And more.

Even hours after you spoke your last words to me
I feel like I can barely breathe.

I could be your lover
I could be perfect for you
I could be your shoulder
And you could be those things for me too.

You’re constantly on my mind.
How can I feel this way for someone who is so far away?
You’re always so kind,
Making me feel okay.

No, better than ok.

When I talk to you,
I’m on cloud nine
Feeling better than fine.

Because of you I feel like I can do anything.
So I hope and wish it’s you calling every time I hear the phone ring.

Small Town Mentality

I grew up in a small town outside of San Francisco. I'd always loved observing the small town mentality. It seems like everyone knows everyone else and all their business. Gossip was always within earshot. With a small population, it's hard not too know what other people are up to. With only one high school and one middle school in the town, it's pretty easy to keep tabs on everyone.

I absolutely hated the small town atmosphere when I was in high school. There was never anything to do. Friday nights consisted of a basketball or football game, then everyone went to hang out at the local diner because it was the only thing open past 10pm. At the time, it was tolerable, but it got old rather quickly. A small, quiet town was ideal for all the adults, but most kids never understood the appeal.

I went away for four years for college. I lived in a much larger city, but nothing too big. I had been scared I wouldn't be able to handle that adjustment. I loved it. There was always something new to do, something new to try. Well once I graduated, I had no real plans, so I packed up my things and moved back home.

Being a few years older, and a bit more mature, I came to appreciate the small town atmosphere. There are nights when I obviously want to go out, but for the most part, it wasn't so bad here. We have a few bars downtown, none I had ever been interested in going to because they seemed to be mostly occupied by older white men, but I had always wondered about them.

Well I finally had my first experience in one of them. I thought I was missing something, but I was wrong. It was like a high school reunion. All the people who never really left high school. I went to one of the most white trashiest (excuse me, I do not mean to offend anyone, but if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck...) The bar reeked of cigarette smoke as did most of the people in it. Nothing out of the ordinary for a bar, but what I saw was something so ridiculous I couldn't help but feel embarrassed. A couple of friends and I witnessed a guy who had long hair, apparently it had been growing for about 17 years, get his hair cut right there in the hallway by the bar. I couldn't believe it, but it was the talk of the night. Everyone was watching and cheering, taking pictures. That was the point when I was ready to go. Who does that?

I know anyone reading this probably thinks that I am some kind of snob, but truthfully, I'm not. It's just that to me, it's sad that watching someone get his hair cut at a bar is considered entertainment. That was probably the highlight for most of their weeks. But, looking back on it, I suppose that's the small town mentality. I'm sure all of them have been friends for years, and it was kind of a big deal to them. I'll probably never fully understand it, but to each his own.

Sorry for the rant, it's just the image of this man sitting outside a bar getting his hair cut is so silly I can't get over it. Hey, at least it wasn't actually inside the bar.

Apologies

It has come to my attention that my blog has started out with a very dark tone.
I am normally a very optimistic and happy person, but have been in a somewhat dark place recently. So my apologies to anyone who thinks I'm ready to jump off a cliff or something. I'm only writing what I feel at the moment and unfortunately I'm working through some stuff right now.

I am currently working on a couple of short stories and some other poems (that won't make you want to slit your own wrists and question my mental health) I'll probably be posting some of them, but not everything. I'm really trying to work on my skills as a writer. It has been a long time since I've just sat down and written whatever comes to my mind. I always give 100% and want to offer good material to read.

I was missing something in my life, and I think this is part of what it is. An outlet for me to express myself and use my creative side. I've been looking for some inspiration to write a really really good story. Something that not only I would enjoy reading, but other people as well. Nothing has come yet, and I think it's because I am looking too hard. It will come when it's meant to.

I'm a very firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. If it's meant to happen it will. That rings true in every part of my life. I believe with every fiber of my being, that there is a higher power and we are all here for a reason. I'm just trying to figure out what mine is...

Never Think

I try with all my strength
To stop thinking about you and the pain
I want all the thoughts to disappear
The memories of your voice
Of the feel of your arms around me
I want them all to go away
I never want to think of them again

The soft whisper of your voice against my ear
The sweetness of your kisses
The way you would wipe away the tears
And rid me of all my fears
The soft gaze of your eyes
I want them all to go away
I never want to think of them again

You were no good for me
It’s easy to see
But it’s hard to finally let you go
To finally be able to say no

I want all the memories to go away
I never want to think of them again.

I don’t know where to start.
I know you’ll always have a place in my heart
But I’m going to lock those memories away
And that’s where they are going to stay
Until I’m strong enough to think of them
Without the pain.
So until then,

I want all the memories to go away,
I never want to think of them again…

Just one of those days

It's just one of those days. I have no desire to get up and do anything. I just want to sleep the day away. For the umpteenth time, you are gone. Instead of being awake and thinking about this aching feeling in my heart, I'd rather just sleep and escape into a dream world where you don't exist, where you can't continue to make me feel this way.

I hope and pray that when I wake up the feeling won't be here anymore, that you'll be gone and I'll finally be able to let you go...

It's been coming for so long, but something always pulled me back. Hope? Fear? I honestly don't know what it was that kept me coming back, but no more. The time has come for me to move on and not look back. You're not going to have this hold on me anymore.

For me to be happy, means you will no longer be a part of my present or future. You're a part of my past and that is where you will stay. I'll never forget you and will always look on the good times with a smile, but I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.

Lost

I have this indescribable feeling running through my body.
There’s a burning in my chest,
And an ache in the pit of my stomach.
The loneliness has finally caught up with me.

I put on the happy face,
Try to picture myself in a happier place.
But this feeling keeps eating away at my soul
I feel like there’s no where to go.

I’m struggling in the dark
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m suffocating, blind, looking for a way out.
But I will keep smiling, keep looking for the light.

I have too much to be thankful for,
So much life to experience.
Yet there’s something missing.
I thought it was you,
I thought I was missing someone,

But I’ve seen a glimmer of light,
What I’m missing is me.

I have lost who I am
I need to find my own happiness
Only then will I find true bliss.

I know I have a long journey ahead,
But I’m on my way.
I’m not going to lose my head
I am going to find myself again.

A Brand New Day

I was inspired to start my own blog by this intense feeling that it was the perfect thing to do at this point in time. The fact that words flow so much easier sometimes with the stroke of a pen or by striking the keys on a keyboard was an idea that rings very true in my life. For as long as I can remember I’ve always been able to write my feelings much easier than I was able to verbalize them. As I have grown up and learned and experienced life, I have learned to verbalize my thoughts and emotions much more eloquently, but there is some sort of comfort and therapy involved in writing everything down.

So the beginning of a new day and a new year comes with a new way for me to express myself. This blog will feature my own personal thoughts as well as some poetry and short stories. A lifetime goal of mine has been to be published. I figured this was as good a start as any.

2008 was not my best year. Fresh out of college, I felt lost. Part of my year was spent searching for my next step, and still doing a little bit of soul searching. Go back to school? Find a job? Travel? I was lost, and by spring I found a job and have since started to slowly realize that I am on the right path, but not even close to my final destination. I still have every intention to go back to school. I will not be at this job forever, but it has opened my eyes and shown me a lot of things I otherwise never would have seen.

I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. They have never really been my thing. The times I made them I never kept them, and the other years I never really bothered to make any. I am not making any this year, but I have decided that I’m tired of sitting back and waiting for life to happen. It is time to make it happen for myself. Yes, at the age of 23, you would have thought I would have realized this already, but hey, some of us take a little while longer than others.

I’ve realized that most of the things I didn’t like about 2008 are things I could have easily changed myself. All those restless, lonely nights where I felt more alone than you might imagine, could have been solved with a simple phone call, but that stubborn side of me waited for the phone to ring instead of picking it up myself.

I’m ready for 2009 and all it has to offer.

Quote to think about:
“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”
-Lao Tsu